Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to aging gayfully. We're about adventure, leisure, travel, being a citizen of the world, traveling to destinations and being a part of the global community as we age and prosper in body, mind and spirit.
[00:00:30] Speaker B: Welcome to aging gayfully. I'm Josh.
[00:00:32] Speaker A: And I am Chris.
How are you, Josh?
[00:00:36] Speaker B: Lovely to see you. I'm. I'm. I'm tickled pink to see you.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: I'm.
Well, I'm speechless. I'm happy. I'm happy to see you, but I'd rather you be tickled purple.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: Yeah, well, you know, you listen, take what you can get, all right?
[00:00:55] Speaker A: Yeah, that's right. You know, you got to take what you can get. You know, you never know.
[00:00:59] Speaker B: How's your week been?
[00:01:01] Speaker A: My week's been fabulous. I got good health report and, you know, I, you know, my fall a few weeks ago, well, I was thinking I had cardiac issues, but I don't.
[00:01:15] Speaker B: So that is exceptional news.
[00:01:17] Speaker A: Yeah. One, you eliminate one med, but then you got to deal with another.
You got to deal with another issue.
[00:01:24] Speaker B: So, you know, we talked off air about this and the fact that you were getting checked out, and I felt for you because it must be just so frustrating to, you know, get in shape, lose all of this weight, and then have what may or may not be a setback. That must be incredibly frustrating.
[00:01:45] Speaker A: Right. Because you, especially as you age and you lose all this weight, I mean, it's 55 pounds since just January 1st.
You know, your body metabolism changes and of course, yeah, I, I previously have had atrial fibrillation and, and all that. And when all these dizziness issues came in about six, eight weeks ago, right when I, Right when I fell, you know, I'm thinking this is all cardiac. You don't.
Because I don't really. I'm fortunate. I don't really take a whole lot of medications.
[00:02:19] Speaker B: Yeah. And.
[00:02:22] Speaker A: So I never thought about one of the meds being a problem, especially after losing all the weight. And sure enough, you know, you go to the cardiologist and I needed to go to the urologist, not the cardiologist, but all these ologists. And now I prefer to go to a mixologist at a bar that would dream.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: Well as.
[00:02:48] Speaker A: How about a mixologist? Let's go. Let's go visit your local mixologist.
[00:02:52] Speaker B: I was going to say, as long as they check all of your ends to make sure that everything is okay because you're getting checked from stem to stern here.
[00:03:00] Speaker A: Well, let me, you know, I know we're going to talk another, you know, we're going to talk another important issue about loneliness today. But one of the things that this appointment did for me on Tuesday, because I had, my mind was ready to go for an open heart bypass surgery. I was thinking, I was thinking, you know, this is where this is all heading.
And, and within about five minutes to going through, you know, my copious notes and, and I had blood pressure readings for 10, 15 days in a row. One, the lowest was 88 over 56. I mean, I was thinking about calling, I was thinking about calling the chaplain, but.
But that's where your mindset was going.
And immediately after the, the doctor said, well, let's look at your meds. And he looked at the one for the bladder and he said, here's your problem.
You know, remember the old. I could have had a V8. Remember that?
Yes. Because I never, you know, I never related it to the bladder. Now I gotta deal with the bladder issue. But that's all, that's just a part of aging gayfully.
[00:04:19] Speaker B: Sure, There you go. No. And happy.
[00:04:22] Speaker A: How do you like that segue into your wonderful introduction you're going to do on loneliness?
[00:04:31] Speaker B: It's great. Thank you. We are going to talk about loneliness. And one thing that I'll say about loneliness is that.
And then I'll dig a little into the research. But loneliness is something that seniors struggle with and deal with. Hell, everyone struggles and deals with it at one point or the other, but particularly seniors. And we'll talk about that. But loneliness at the end of the day is not a weakness. It's a signal. It's a signal that something essential is missing. And that's kind of what I want to talk about right now, the fact of that.
But let's start with the facts.
According to the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, more than one third of adults age 45 or older feel lonely. And nearly one quarter of adults age 65 and older are socially isolated.
[00:05:23] Speaker A: Give me those numbers again. Give me those numbers.
[00:05:25] Speaker B: One third of adults age 45 and older field only. So that's 45 and older. That's younger even than the demographic that we're mostly talking to right now. And then one quarter of adults age 65 and older are socially isolated. And so that's even one step further than the internal feeling of loneliness that's externally being socially isolated for a number of reasons.
And loneliness, it's not just an emotional inconvenience. It has physical consequences. As I like to say, all of the parts of our body and our mind, our emotions, all connected to each other. So something Emotionally isn't right, it's going to affect you physically. That's just a thing. And if something physically isn't right, then it'll affect you emotionally. I know that when I get anxious or upset, what's, what are the physical manifestations? For me, I feel it in the pit of my stomach and that's a physical manifestation. My stomach gets sour and, and that's all because of this emotion that I'm feeling.
And so the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention, CDC reports that social isolation is associated with. Now get this.
50% increased risk of dementia, 29% increased risk of heart disease, 32% increased risk of stroke.
Get this.
It's even linked to early mortality at rates comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
Social isolation can have the same consequences when it's prolonged as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
That should wake us up.
[00:07:35] Speaker A: I'm kind of flabbergasted, especially as it relates to the smoking.
[00:07:40] Speaker B: I had no idea, I had no idea, like I knew the consequences of isolation because we just went through a period of prolonged isolation through the pandemic. And I work at a senior community and we had to, particularly in the early going, we had to ask people to socially isolate for their health, for their physical well being.
And I'm not here to legislate whether that was actually necessary or not. We did the best that we could at the time and I think that we, we kept people safe in doing so. However, let's not kid that the social isolation didn't have a physical effect as well.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: Well, I'm going to tie this into a healthy heart because your, your heart, while it's the mechanism of your body per se, you know, it's, it's the engine. You know, there's two components to your heart.
There's the physical component and then the emotional component.
And one kind of works with the other.
And that loneliness that.
I think it's safe to say we've all experienced loneliness at one part, some parts in our life. And I would imagine. And you have a little bit more experience in this than I do.
You work in senior living. I've, you know, I've done tons of presentations and, and the comments that I always get is how lonely people are within a community.
And you know, it's.
How do you combat that?
[00:09:46] Speaker B: Well, the first thing is being aware that, that it is so.
[00:09:49] Speaker A: Right.
[00:09:50] Speaker B: The first thing is understanding why it is so.
You have people who retire and they think, oh, life's going to be a cruise ship now. You know, I can do whatever I Want, whenever I want.
But that sours pretty quickly when you realize that for a lot of people, they had meaning and purpose because they had a job, they had a career, they had something that they invested their. Their time and their talents in day after day, week after week, year after year.
And purpose and meaning are a big driver in satisfaction, in contentment, enjoy, and wellness.
[00:10:35] Speaker A: At all.
It's a, It's a.
It's a circle, so to speak. And if one of those circles have. Has a crack, then it, it impacts.
It impacts the whole person.
Sure, sure.
So, and again, I think, you know, what does.
What does loneliness. Does that. Does it mean something different to two people?
Am I lonely because I miss the companionship that I once had?
Or am I lonely because, you know, my hearing just isn't as good as it used to be? And I don't want to go to these events because it's very frustrating for me when I always have to say, can you repeat that? Or, what did you say? Or you go to a movie and you only pick up a third of what's being said.
And I think what really makes it even more traumatic is when those realities aren't acknowledged, both by the person who's going through the struggle. I, you know, I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to tell anybody. And then by the.
What would be a correct word word here, Josh?
The provider, maybe, you know, the people who are delivering the. The content that really aren't aware that there could be some people in their audience that struggle with hearing or seeing or, you know, those.
Those parts of life that we often take for granted.
But I think one of the compelling components of the statistics that you gave was the age 45 and above.
To me, that really stood out. I mean, I wasn't surprised about the 65 and above, but the 45 and above really stood out to me.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: I saw another statistic today that traced people's level of happiness.
And for whatever reason, this is a little bit off topic, but you reminded me of it. For whatever reason, people's happiness tends to go down sharply, and the bottom of that valley is the age 50.
And then after you pass 50, it starts to go up again. I thought that was really interesting. I don't understand necessarily why that is unless our society has made this number 50 be a little bit more scary than it is. But I thought that that was an interesting statistic. I didn't get that so much.
Yeah, I don't, I don't want to take us off the topic I just.
[00:13:54] Speaker A: Thought that was interesting.
Milestones. Look at it in some milestones.
[00:13:59] Speaker B: Yeah, I guess so. But, you know, it's very, very, very smart that you are pointing out that that isolation, it comes from all these different factors. You mentioned. Hearing loss, vision loss, loss of mobility, of course, loss of loved ones, relocation, retirement. All of these things are major life events, and all of them mess with our sense of safety, mess with our sense of emotional safety.
And either external things separate us or even more likely, as we start to withdraw ourselves.
[00:14:39] Speaker A: Right. And I think the other component of this is, and you probably see this readily, people start disengaging for whatever reason, but what's often missed is finding out the reason why. Why they're disengaging and trying to.
Trying to help solve that and, and let that person be heard.
Because a lot of times that's what, that's what the remedy is. I just want to be heard.
Yeah, I'm going to be.
[00:15:20] Speaker B: Fundamental need of, of humanity both to understand other people and to be understood by other people.
[00:15:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Can I interject a real estate story?
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Oh, go ahead.
[00:15:31] Speaker A: Well, this is one of my other lives, but I was. Became aware of a, Of a person who was a senior, beautiful condo.
But every realtor that he came in, that came in to he. To interview him or for him to interview them, well, you know, whatever. The.
All the realtors told him that in order to sell your condo, you had to paint the condo because the paint, the paint color was, Was bad.
And I kind of got the opportunity when, you know, again, this is another life ago. And I ended up interviewing with, with.
With the fellow. And, and, you know, I looked at the paint color and I thought, that's not really good. And, and he, he mentioned right off the bat, he said, you know, everybody wants me to paint, and I don't really see why I need to paint. And got into the nitty gritty of.
Of it and learned that he was colorblind. He couldn't.
[00:16:42] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness.
I didn't see that punchline there.
[00:16:48] Speaker A: Yeah. So for him, what he was seeing was not what everybody else was seeing.
And again, it just took.
I forget how many realtors he.
He interviewed, but when we had that conversation, you know, I just dug a little bit deeper to find out, well, you know, what is the issue with.
Why are all these people asking him, you know, to paint? And I, you know, I said, there's an easy solution to this. Just, you know, you're living here. You should live the way you want to live, but maybe you offer A credit for painting at closing. You know, you shouldn't paint your house or your. Your condo.
You. You're living here. But you know, when I recogn. When I learned why, then it all made sense, and it all made sense. So.
And I think that comes back to what we were just talking about.
You know, what's the reason why these things are happening?
You can never assume.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: Yeah. And part of it, too, is being insightful enough to recognize these things in yourself, because I think that some people suffer from loneliness, and they don't really know that they're suffering from loneliness. They know that they're suffering. They know they don't feel well.
Maybe they're thinking that the reason why they don't feel well is because this hurts and that hurts and stomach hurts and all of these things. When the reality is that, as I mentioned before, loneliness has a physical toll that it takes on us.
And when we are suffering from that disconnection from people because we're wired for connection.
[00:18:49] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:18:50] Speaker B: These other things happen. And so I think, or my hope is that someone is listening to this and saying all of these feelings that I have, it may be all coming from the fact that I'm isolated. I'm feeling alone. Now, I do want to say here that there's a big difference between solitude and isolation. I like me some time alone sometimes, you know, it's crucial. I'm an introvert. I need my time alone, but that's chosen as opposed.
[00:19:22] Speaker A: You're an introvert.
[00:19:24] Speaker B: Yeah. That should not be a surprise to you. Did you not know that?
[00:19:28] Speaker A: No, it is.
I. I knew that.
[00:19:31] Speaker B: Okay, come on now. Get out of here.
[00:19:33] Speaker A: Well, we're both. We're both introverts, but we both like.
I mean, we both like to create content. We both like to have conversations. But you know, at least for me, if there was a big party, you'd find me in the corner.
[00:19:53] Speaker B: That's right. You're happy to be there, but you just want to watch.
[00:19:57] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
Well, introvert, extrovert, it's a fundamental survivor need for us to connect with other people.
[00:20:05] Speaker A: Right. We still long for that connection.
That's.
[00:20:08] Speaker B: That's a universal right.
[00:20:11] Speaker A: Does it make any difference?
[00:20:13] Speaker B: This idea of when babies have failure to thrive.
[00:20:18] Speaker A: Can you give me that again? Because I didn't hear it.
[00:20:23] Speaker B: This idea that babies can actually die from a lack of touch, it's called failure to thrive. And it's just right out of.
Of the womb, ingrained in us that, that we desire, that we need closeness, and if we don't get closeness that there can be consequences. And, you know, there are. There have been babies that have suffered deep consequences because they have a lack of touch.
[00:20:57] Speaker A: Oh, goodness. This is going to dig into. Because I feel like I really need to. I, you know, obviously I don't have kids. You've had. You have had k.
I don't remember my parents ever touching me.
[00:21:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:14] Speaker A: I could remember my father touching me, but not for all the right reasons.
Affection goes a long way.
[00:21:24] Speaker B: It does.
[00:21:25] Speaker A: And it molds how you feel as you continue to.
To move forward.
[00:21:33] Speaker B: I'll say as a father, like, I didn't have, you know, you're talking about, I was only spanked once. Right. So at least it sounds like that perhaps that was a different situation that you may have had.
But there certainly wasn't any sort of affectionate touch. There wasn't really hugging at all.
[00:21:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:56] Speaker B: Now as a result, none of that.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:58] Speaker B: As a result, I'm very, like, demonstrative with my children, with all of them.
[00:22:05] Speaker A: You hugged me last year, so. I did.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: I did. I got my one Chris hug.
[00:22:10] Speaker A: There's probably another one in the future. We just have to.
[00:22:15] Speaker B: Let's not push it.
So I recognized, at least by the time that I had kids, that that closeness was something that I desired, that I want to make sure that my kids always got right.
[00:22:27] Speaker A: It's important.
[00:22:31] Speaker B: And again, especially when you're dealing.
[00:22:33] Speaker A: If I'd had kids, I probably would have loved them too much. I would have held them all the time.
[00:22:38] Speaker B: That's right.
Love them and hug them and call them George.
[00:22:42] Speaker A: Now I can now with my nieces and nephews, I can love them and hug them and then give them back to their. My siblings.
[00:22:52] Speaker B: Well, what I want people to get out of this conversation is the necessity for human connection and whatever that looks like in a healthy way.
And that probably means that once you realize that this is so that you have to take steps to initiate that.
[00:23:13] Speaker A: You got to find your comfort zone with it.
[00:23:16] Speaker B: Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
But part of this is my opinion now, and we can certainly talk about this. Part of that comfort zone is. Is settling into enough vulnerability to recognize your need and to accept help when. When it is offered.
[00:23:38] Speaker A: Asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness.
We often don't look at it that way.
I don't want to be a bother.
[00:23:50] Speaker B: Yeah, Yeah.
I think sometimes people say, I don't want to be a bother, and they mean it. And I think sometimes people say, I don't want to be a bother, but really, I Don't want to. I don't want to risk being rejected.
[00:24:06] Speaker A: Well, right. And I think the other part of that is oftentimes two things. We don't know how to ask for help.
And then another component of this is if I'm asking for help, then I'm kind of admitting I can't do it myself.
And that, I mean, it just kind of flows from there because I just use me as an example. I mean, I recognize there's things that I would love to do again, but I just can't.
I couldn't go out and bowl as much as I would like to be, much as my competitive juices are still there.
You know, the reality is the body just might fall apart on the approach.
Clean up on lane three.
[00:25:11] Speaker B: Yeah, that's right. Bring them up.
[00:25:17] Speaker A: But again, it's.
But if we don't.
If we don't at least reach out and let somebody know, and that's kind of half, more than half the battle, I think, because even in that interaction, nine times out of 10, you're going to be talking to somebody that actually cares.
[00:25:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
People will recognize that universal need.
[00:25:49] Speaker A: I would imagine that everybody at your place of employment is comfortable approaching you because you have that ability to make people feel comfortable.
You're approachable.
[00:26:09] Speaker B: Well, thank you. I try. I. I am intentional about it, let's be clear, because I understand the need is there, and I, you know, I felt it as well. Like, I've had periods of time where I was lonely. For me, mostly as a kid.
[00:26:25] Speaker A: I.
[00:26:26] Speaker B: Was lonely and I. I went through a divorce. And so there were times of intense loneliness there as well.
So. Yeah, it looks different, though. It looks different for everyone.
[00:26:40] Speaker A: Right?
Yeah, there's, you know, there's no cookie cutter when it comes to this issue. But other than having the comfort to recognize it and reach out, and that's going to be different for everybody.
[00:27:04] Speaker B: So let me ask you, when you have felt your loneliness, what is your.
How do you do. How do you do deal with that? How do you reach out to people, being the person that you are? Like, how have you done it before?
[00:27:18] Speaker A: Well, I think there's different stages of loneliness.
There's the grief that comes with a loss, and that is different than.
I don't know how to frame this, but that is, you know, for me, when going through a loss, you know, two or three things happened on a regular basis. I either clammed up, stayed to myself, or I tried to engage when I could.
You know, over the years, there's.
There's fits of Loneliness that, that enter the, the, you know, your mindset. Yeah. Especially like I've been captivated recently by. I'm going to go back to bowling.
Been captivated recently by watching reels on Facebook of bowlers. It's like, huh, you know, I, I'm. I missed that part of my life, you know, and, and I think that again, comes back to the loneliness is.
Is. Do I miss it as.
As much to. For me to dwell on it?
No. But when you start dwelling on things that you, that you miss or things that you can't do, I think that accelerates the loneliness.
And that's when it's important to reach out to a trusted friend or a confidant or somebody on staff at a community or.
[00:29:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:29:13] Speaker A: Being connected to a community, whether that's faith based or our group of folks that get together on a regular basis.
You know, like a lot of women have the garden club.
You know, where do, where do you find, where do you find that camaraderie? Where you know that you're completely accepted even in your imperfections, that you probably highlight more than they do?
[00:29:47] Speaker B: Yes.
Well, it's a lot to think about.
Like I said, if I can leave everyone with, with one point, with one thing to think about, it is how is it that you feel connected and do you feel that way right now? What type of person do you feel safe with and do you feel that way right now?
[00:30:07] Speaker A: Right.
Do you have an outlet so important.
[00:30:18] Speaker B: Well, I do want folks to feel free to reach out to us if they want to talk about any of this, if they want to share stories, if they want to talk about how maybe they've gone through loneliness and then gone past it. Any of these stories we'd love to hear. Chris, how can get a hold of us?
[00:30:34] Speaker A: They can email us at yes, I am@aging gayfully.com. that's. Yes, I am@aging gayfully.com and if they.
[00:30:44] Speaker B: Want to know a little bit more.
[00:30:45] Speaker A: About us, well, they can go to Gainesville and look you, look you up in the, in the phone book and go to.
[00:30:54] Speaker B: They don't have phone books anymore. Get out of here.
[00:30:56] Speaker A: They don't have. Wait a minute now, you see, Wait a minute. They don't have phone. But that makes sense.
[00:31:00] Speaker B: I can't even remember the last time I got a phone book.
[00:31:03] Speaker A: But yeah, you gotta, you know, this big stack of yellow pages, you know. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, just, you know, go to the website. Yes, I am at aging gayfully dot com. We are working on a new website, but you know it'll happen when it happens.
[00:31:19] Speaker B: Why is it words were never said?
[00:31:21] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:31:23] Speaker B: All right.
[00:31:23] Speaker A: And you can. And you can subscribe to Aging Gayfully wherever you get your favorite podcast.
[00:31:31] Speaker B: And tell your friends.
[00:31:32] Speaker A: And tell your friends. Yeah, we're cracking on.
[00:31:36] Speaker B: Yes, we are. Well, for those of you watching the video.
[00:31:40] Speaker A: Oh, yes, you see, now I'm. Because I've been watching a lot of videos, and they always, you know, the videos on YouTube, that's where I got the crack on. That's what the British say in France, who are refurbishing chateaus. But that's a whole other conversation.
But they always say, like, subscribe and ring the bell. So, you know, that's. That's what you do on YouTube, like, subscribe and ring the bell.
[00:32:07] Speaker B: There you go. Ring our bells.
[00:32:08] Speaker A: Ring our bells. Oh, there's a song.
[00:32:13] Speaker B: No, we don't have the rights. Stop that.
[00:32:14] Speaker A: Oh, that's not. Well, all right.
[00:32:17] Speaker B: Well, until next time, we just want you to go out there and. And age gayfully.
[00:32:22] Speaker A: Josh, you're pretty awesome.
[00:32:25] Speaker B: See you soon.
[00:32:26] Speaker A: See you soon.
